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Maximize the 'Ween [Halloween tips]

        Once I was trick-or-treating as a sophomore in high school. Yes, I know, that’s probably too old to be trick-or-treating. Nonetheless, a big group of us went out and scored a BUTT LOAD of candy. While walking home, one of my buddies (who was actually a little older than me) was approached by a little boy. The little boy quickly snatched the bag of candy out of my buddies hands and took off running. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! A ballsy little kid snatched a bag from a 16 year old. I almost passed out laughing.

Apparently that was the fastest little kid alive. At least, that’s what my buddy said while gasping for air after being outrun by the bag snatcher.

Because I felt bad for laughing so hard, and as a gesture of friendship, I shared my loot with my now-sackless friend. I don’t think he’d like me referring to him as “sackless” but whatev. So he ate my candy as I played Super NES. Just as I was about to dominate M. Bison- my friend barfed all over my bed. It smelled like Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. I was pissed that my bed was covered in barf, and I was more pissed that he ate all my Reese’s. He knew they were my favorite.

That was a really crappy halloween, but it makes me laugh in hind-sight.

HERE ARE SOME TIPS to make your halloween better than that one:

1. DO NOT SACK-SNATCH. Seriously. There is a special place in H-E-Double for people that steal candy from little kids. You are murdering joy. If you steal a bag of candy from an older kid, like my 16 year old friend, that’s kindof funny, but it still means you’ve stolen and you are a dirtbag. Message to sack-snatchers: the candy you steal will taste like crap because you are crappy.

2. If you are planning to trick-or-treat this year:

•   Plan your route. Family-filled apartment complexes are a good idea because there are short distances from door-to-door.

•   Throw on some rollerblades to increase your efficiency and your sex-appeal.

•   Don’t eat unwrapped candy cuz some psycho probably put a razor blade in it. Also don’t eat Reese’s if they belong to your friend. Or if you feel like you need to barf.

•   Don’t trick or treat in the woods. That’s where killers and wolves live. And killers give out crappy candy. Like Sprees.

•   When the kind folks of your neighborhood throw candy in your bag, give them a warm, sincere “THANK YOU!” even if it’s crappy candy such as Sprees or mini-tootsie rolls. No one likes an ungrateful little suck of a trick-or-treater.

Note: Chewy Sprees are awesome. But the hard ones hurt my teeth and don’t deliver pleasure to my pallet.

•   Choose a promising neighborhood. One time my cousin was trick or treating and some rich neighbors dropped a Disney movie in his bag. Those are like $16-20 bucks! He thinks it was Rescuers Down Under. That movie taught me that I can ride on an eagle if I am a nice enough kid

3.  If you are the person giving candy to kids:

•   Don’t pass out razor-blade-filled unwrapped morsels. C’mon.
•   If you have to give out Sprees, make sure they are the chewey ones.
•   “Bottlecaps” are underrated. They are my favorite actually.
•   Obey this poster:

Happy Halloween! And if you are opposed to Halloween for religious reasons, Happy Regular Day!

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