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Mosquitoes want your hot body.

        I hate stupid dumb crap-face mosquitoes. There, I said it.

Mosquitoes have never done anything awesome ever. Remember that one that got caught in amber and preserved dinosaur DNA? Yeah, that lead to trouble.

I am covered in mosquito bites right now. They love me. They nibbled on my neck, trying to get me turned on I guess. I have at least ten bites on my neck, a few on my forearms, and apparently these sucky bugs had a FEAST on my right calf. I was on Utah lake, minding my own business just as the sun was setting, when I was massacred by this violent gang of insects. I had to defend myself, so I’m not ashamed to say I killed several of them with my bare hands. But alas, I’m really itchy. If I were a scratch-n-sniff snicker, everyone around me would be smelling a delightful aroma as we speak (but I’m not a scratch-n-sniff snicker, so all they get is my B.O.)

Let’s talk about Mosquitoes:

1. They suck. Literally.

2. Mosquitos have a lot of sensors. That’s why when they tell dirty jokes, all you hear are beeps. Get it? Cuz of the sensorship?

Okay, horrible joke. Kick me in my face for that one. Seriously though they have many sensors.

VISUAL SENSORS: Your favorite neon-green hat? They see it. Your bright bink tube-top? They see it (and they like it). Your black shirt, black pants and black hat worn at night? They don’t see it, but they worry that you might be depressed. You also may get hit by a car wearing that get-up, so look both ways before crossing the street. Zorro, Batman, Johnny Cash… probably didn’t suffer from many mosquito bites.

CHEMICAL SENSORS: They sense the chemicals that mammals produce including lactic acid and carbon dioxide from over 100 meters away. Ladies, that means if you are lactating you’re gonna wanna keep those milk-machines on the down-low. And Guys, if you are lactating, mosquito bites are the least of your problems, and you’re gonna wanna have those looked at.

Can mosquitoes sense your farts? Yes. Even the S.B.D.‘s ? (Silent But Deadly)? ESPECIALLY those.

This is the most classy blog post you’ve ever read, huh. Well, I want you to be safe. Mosquito bites can give you problems, such as Malaria and West Nile, which can really mess with your game.

Anyways… Mosquitoes also have HEAT SENSORS. Maybe that’s why I have so many bites. Cuz I’m really hot. (those who know what I look like are now laughing, cuz they know I’m actually ugly. Now I’m crying. Now I’m changing into an all-black outfit cuz I’m depressed. Now mosquitoes aren’t biting me. Now I’m happy again.)

Mosquitoes lay their eggs on the surface of water. That’s why lakes and rivers are usually crawling with them. You’ve probably drank mosquito egg before. I like to drink mosquito eggnog around the holidays, but that’s just me. I like to party.

Only female mosquitoes bite humans. (Psssh. Chicks.) The man-mosquitoes don’t have the special part that let’s ‘em suck from humans. They just eat plants and nectar and pizza. Stupid girl mosquitoes drink blood right before mating, so in a way, your blood is kind of like liquor on the Jersey Shore.

Mosquitoes only live for a few weeks. Sometimes one week, sometimes seven, depending on diet and exercise. Mosquitoes are eaten by fish, other insects, and my buddy that licks his hands after smashing them.

You can repel mosquitoes by wearing bug spray containing diethyl-meta-toluamide, aka “DEET.” You can get powerful Deet in some places. One time a guy I worked with spilled some super-powerful bug spray on the seat of his car. It was like 80% DEET. It actually melted a hole in the upholstery of his car. For real. Be careful with DEET, and read the DEETails on the packaging. (apparently, the mosquito bites I’ve endured have given me the super-power of being hilarious.)

My bites are currently covered by Calamine. It smells terrific, and the pink lotion all over my neck really makes me look manly. I hope you don’t have to go through what I have gone through. Mosquitoes are vampires that suck your blood, and not in a sexy Twilight way, but more like this:

 

Remember kids, watch out for anything that sucks your blood. Except the Red Cross. Want to know more about mosquitoes? Too bad.

Just kidding. Go here to learn more.

 

Comments 1

  • I once drove across central Asia accompanied by a bottle of 50% DEET, and by the time my journey ended in Mongolia I’d pretty much melted the dash of my car.  The heating vents were falling off and the window seals had bubbled and blistered.  Still, I didn’t get malaria so I’m calling that a win.

    October 2, 2011 by Keith Taylor

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